It has been seven and a half months since my husband died.
I miss him so much.
I worry that as time passes I will forget the most endearing parts of our relationship. I take notes on what I miss most. I look at pictures each day. Surprising to me, I do not miss his image as much as I miss his actions.
I miss cuddling.
He was a great hugger.
He would spontaneously hold me.
At our age, and with his physical being, sex was not the great part of intimacy. It was holding me.
I miss his presence next to me.
The way he would look at me and let me know that he was in love with me.
We fell in love the first time we saw each other and it never stopped
He was also good at verbalizing his love. He would tell me each day that he loved me.
I have recently gone through a lot of paperwork to get rid of the stacks of things that need to be gone. I found his cards that he had given me for birthdays and Valentines and Mothers’s day and anniversaries. I read each one and the wonderful words he would add to the already lovely message of the card. He was great at expressing love.
I really miss affirmation.
I have no one that tells me that I am doing a good job or I am an OK person.
I have no one that lets me know that I am a hard worker or that they appreciate me for all that I do.
Don’t get me wrong. I have wonderful children. I know that they love me. But there is just something about having someone who tells you that they appreciate you…frequently. My husband did that for me. I knew he admired me for what I did and he let me know that my mind was sharp and my actions and hard work was in concert with him. I felt good about myself.
I miss the little things he did that showed he cared. He bought the gas. I did not have to be concerned about a car on empty. He took care of that. He carried the garbage and the recycling to the center. He wrote the checks and paid the bills. He bought the groceries. The list could go on and on.
When I start looking at these things I begin to wonder what I did. But we were good partners so I did the laundry, the cleaning and making the grocery list.
He loved to run errands. I would make the list and he would run the errands. He could spend all day running errands. He love to interface with people when he ran the errands. If I do the errands I make a list and try to do it with as much efficiency as I can. Not Ray; he enjoyed running errands and would dilly dally and backtrack and enjoy each person and each experience. That is why he is missed by so many people.
To say that there is a void in my life is not doing it justice. There is a huge hole. As good as I feel I am doing without him, I cannot seem to fill this hole.
They say that time will heal. I don’t want time to take away my memories or to replace missing him. But there are some things that hurt so much I don’t think time could come close to repairing.