I wrestled with God all night long after my husband died. I agonized. I questioned. I argued. I disagreed. I expressed anger. I visualized over and over and over the event that led to my husband’s death. I never slept. By morning, I was exhausted.
But I had made peace with God’s decision. I was not happy nor was I still angry. I understood that God had made the decision. It was no human error not lack of attention to my husband’s well being. It was simply that God wanted him back in heaven and he had the power to make His will happen.
So I got out of bed and went downstairs for coffee. I brewed my cup and walked out on the porch. As soon as I stepped on the porch, I stopped. It was a typical summer Carolina morning. The birds were singing a loud chorus of beautiful songs. So many pitches, so many differences in calls and volumes. It sounded tropical. The sky was the gorgeous bright Carolina Blue. So vivid it looked like a color off of the artists’ pallet. The greens of the trees were neon with the different hues of summer growth. The multitude of squirrels were chasing each other and playing tag.
It was everything that you could hope for on a gorgeous summer morning in South Carolina. But it was all wrong. It was suppose to be dark. It was suppose to be gloomy. It was suppose to be depressing. It was suppose to reflect my world as it now exists. This was terribly wrong.
Life was not happy and vibrant. Life could not be busy and interesting. Didn’t the squirrels know that my husband had died? Didn’t they know my world had fallen apart. How dare they run and play and look happy. Didn’t the birds know that they should be silent in respect for the great tragedy that had happen in my life. What was wrong with them singing out loud with their usual choral symphony.
Where were the clouds and the rain and the ugly part of the world. How dare the sun to shine and offer beauty to the sky. How dare the lake to be smooth and calm and blue and inviting. Did it not realize that just yesterday it had been a party to destroying my life?
I sat down and took a few breaths. I was ready to yell at God again for throwing such a sight in my face. After all He had caused it all. At least He could make nature reflect the hurt in my heart. It was as if my loss was insignificant and not worthy of reflection in the natural part of the world.
Then God gently said to me. I know you hurt. I know you are sad. I know your world will never be the same. But I promise to take care of you. I will never leave you and I will never give you more than you can handle. You can do this. You can be strong. Your husband is with me and we both expect you to carry on.
So embrace the beauty of the world. Love it. See Me in it. Because life goes on.